Career Opportunity--a short piece

Last week, I prepared a brief reading for Ballard's It's About Time writers' series. I usually choose fiction for readings, but I wrote a short nonfiction piece for this event. (My on-the-spot comments are in parentheses.)
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CAREER OPPORTUNITY

​COMPANY OVERVIEW
I am Michele Bacon. My people--who are scattered across the globe--include computer scientists, attorneys, librarians, nonprofit executives, a playwright, an author, a doctor, a college student, expats, and a mother-of-three who I befriended at the beach when we were six.
 
I relocated to Seattle 19 months ago with my husband and three children. Eighteen months before that, we moved from the Midwest to Christchurch, New Zealand knowing literally no one and—bonus—my youngest was three weeks old. Prior to that, we lived in Wheaton, Illinois, one of the most conservative, and religious cities in the country. (I am neither conservative nor religious.) Prior to that, I lived in four cities in Ohio, briefly in Provo, Utah, and for years in Chicago.

As culture bifurcates and our interests diverge into niche markets, it becomes more difficult to find people who fit. For the better part of two decades, I have engaged in an endless loop of befriending amazing women in an effort to find a best friend in my back yard. (It’s worse than dating.) I have made many friends in Seattle, and am presently looking for "the one."
 
JOB TITLE
Best friend
 
REQUIRMENTS

• Female
• Approx age 32 – 45, preferably with young children.
• Height, weight, hair, eyes, ethnicity, education, culture unimportant.
• Compulsion to geek out over at least one of the following: board games, writing, Sherlock, Harry Potter, numbers, science, The Amazing Race, novels, or projects—all types
• Passion for something, no matter the subject.
• Reasonable cache of interesting, lewd, or hilarious life stories
• Faults and vices may be numerous, but should not include chemical addition, chronic complaining, cheating, cutting down other women, or committing grammatical atrocities
• You must not be a jerk.

 
RESPONSIBILITIES

• Engage in friendship largely in person and via email; phone conversations will be a rare occurrence.
• Tolerate my obsessions and peccadillos (They are many. I am sorry. My partner will commiserate with you, probably over beers.)
• Accept that we will not, under any circumstances, go to the gym in tandem. (And don’t ask. I go to the gym alone and hate every minute of it. And if you see me naked in the locker room, please do not initiate a lengthy conversation.)
• Spend long days at Golden Gardens or similar, digging for sea creatures, building dams, splashing in the water or attempting to converse while chasing our children around said activities.
• Accept that I have a complicated relationship with my family of origin.
• Entertain my wild ideas for upcoming manuscripts (They may depress or anger you. It’s okay, though; only something like five percent will become real books.)
• Commit to regular meetings, or occasional meetings, or meetings whenever we can squeeze them in. (I’ll meet you for tea at 7 a.m. or for 29 minutes between when you drop off one kid and pick up another. Whatever works.)

 
COMPENSATION

• A mad problem solver at your disposal
• Excellent conversation, with very occasional humor (I can be very, very funny, but only twice a year.)
• Small surprises delivered to your front porch or back porch or mailbox. Include with your application a delivery point for your surprises. (And then act surprised, okay?)
• Generosity of spirit, time, heart space, and listening ears (or problem solving, your choice.)
• Ample baked goods, to include: brownies, croissants, lasagna from scratch, and flourless chocolate cake
• Long days at play, tolerance for your obsessions, partnership in your wild ideas, and understanding that your relationship with your family of origin also is complicated. 

 
PROCEDURE
Apply at michelebacon.com. I will evaluate candidates on a rolling basis. Cover letters that include the word “irregardless” or promise to “give 110 percent” to our friendship will be shredded and recycled. Candidates must live in Seattle. I will give special consideration to qualified applicants living within a 20-minute walk of my house.